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| Review
of Ultimate Guide to Kink |
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Brand Spanking New:
A Librarian Reviews “The Ultimate Guide to Kink”
by Roz Warren
I got an unexpected package in the mail
recently. Because I’m a book
reviewer, I somehow ended up on the list of folks who get review copies
from Cleis Press, a publisher of feminist erotica. Imagine my surprise
when I opened my package at the counter of the local post office (where
all the clerks know me) to find a brand-new copy of The Ultimate Guide
to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge.
As my post office pals snickered at me, I opened a page at random and
read, “Missionary never felt so good. He’s fucking you hard as
you lie on your back: you pound on his back with your fists.” (Trust me
to be so vanilla that I can open a kink book to the only
“missionary position” page.) Farther down the page I read, “While
spanking him, throw in a few punches—the thudding sensation is a
perfect counterbalance to the sting of the slap.”
Punching my sweetie had never struck me (HA!) as a good time. On the
other hand, when he does something that drives me nuts, waiting till
we’re between the sheets, then popping him one might work better than
trying to reason with him. (That almost never works.) If nothing else,
smacking him in the name of sex play could be a nicely
passive-aggressive way for me to work off a little steam.
Or not.
Glad to have done my part to amuse the hardworking employees at my post
office, I took The Ultimate Guide to Kink home. There was no question
in my mind that I could get an essay out of this. What happens when an
edgy sex manual falls into the hands of a mild-mannered librarian?
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Dipping into the book again, I read, “Bondage has its own risks. As I
tell my rope bondage students “Dead bottom, bad bondage. Bad top, no
biscuit!”
Wow. Rope bondage students? Really? Where exactly is this class
offered? One hopes that it isn’t the local middle school. But I was
intrigued by the book’s tone—it was knowing and funny, not Penthouse
Letters smarmy. Wouldn’t it be interesting to learn what actually goes
on in all those wilder bedrooms? I’m a librarian. I love to read. And I
love sex. Why wouldn’t I enjoy reading about sex?
The Ultimate Guide to Kink is
actually a collection of essays, edited
by sex educator and “feminist pornographer” Tristan Taormino, and
written by experts on a variety of topics from “Kinky Twisted
Tantra” to “How to Train Your Sex Slave.
The illustrations are mostly of rope-tying techniques strikingly
similar to the ones in The Boy Scout Handbook. (Just what were those
youngsters being trained to do anyway?) The writing is clear and
informative enough to bring joy to my librarian’s heart. And
there’s an eye-opener on every page. If you’ve been reading (or have
heard about) Fifty Shades of Grey and you’re curious about how those
kinky games are actually played, this book’s for you. Even if you don’t
want to tie up your partner, you’ll learn how to do it right and why it
appeals to the folks who play that game. Sure, there were sections that
I found icky, offputting, or downright scary. I skipped them. It’s not
as if I was studying to pass the Kinkster SAT. As with any good how-to
book, you use what works for you.
Here’s something that did work for me:
“Dressing up is FUN. Even mundane objects can be imbued with a
sexy vibe. I had a very intense sexual encounter that was kicked up a
notch when my partner and I dared each other to keep our glasses on
during the entire fuck. You will not know how difficult it can be to
keep your specs on while pounding the headboard until you’ve tried it.”
Is this a scene totally made for a librarian, or what?
I’m still vanilla at heart. But I’m glad I read this book. I dare you
to read it too! It’s fascinating. It’ll open your mind up. Actually,
unless you’re into this stuff already, it will probably blow your mind
a little. Which isn’t a bad thing. Sure, you too will probably find
some of it just too weird or scary. Skip those parts. On the
other hand, if your partner ever asks you to spank him (or her),
instead of freaking out, you’ll know enough to respond, “Sure,
honeybunch, I‘d be happy to help you discover your “spanking sweet
spot.”
Or not.
Roz Warren is a
humor writer whose work appears in The Funny Times, The
Christian Science Monitor, HumorTimes.com, Newsworks.org, The Utne
Reader and Beatniks from Space.
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